I wrote the following post several years ago. While there are some dated comments (my sons' ages, etc.,) I still deeply embrace what I've written here and believe there's much here to pass along to encourage other parents of sons. It's especially appropriate as my second son will be turning 13 in just a couple of months.
Interestingly, in rereading this post, I have seen where I have faithfully followed through with some of my hopes, dreams and ideas... as well as where I have dropped the ball. Reminding myself once again of this vital privilege and task has rekindled my commitment. My desire has been renewed as I once again, pick myself up by God's grace, and continue this journey of training my sons for godliness.
I hope you will be blessed by some of these ideas and links to resources.
As one who spends a lot of time working with men, the question of what it means to be a man comes to my mind often.
What is a man?
When does a boy become a man?
Questions like these are important to ask and even more important to answer well. And, of course, as a Christian I want to answer those questions biblically.
In about five days my oldest son will turn 13 years old. (I will have two teenagers in the house. I give thanks to God that I have such a wise, godly, mature, and hilarious daughter who has helped my wife and me ease into parenting teenagers.) I know there’s nothing inherently magical about the age of 13, but it does seem like a fitting time for a boy to start thinking about manhood… what it means to be a man. It is also crucial, I think, that he begins to be treated in such a way… greater responsibilities, decision-making opportunities, etc. (all under the careful direction of his parents). Those in the Jewish tradition certainly have found a wonderful way to highlight this time in a boy’s life.
Of course, parents shouldn’t wait until their son turns 13 to begin this process. Hopefully, “manhood training” begins at birth. My wife and I have done our best to talk to our boys, in age-appropriate ways, about what it means to be a godly man. Yet, beginning on our sons’ thirteenth birthdays, there will be greater focus and intentionality on helping our sons navigate this time in their lives. I get to put my money where my mouth is in less than a week.
This is all still a work in progress, however, I have been thinking a great deal about how my oldest son and I might spend our time together. (There are some helpful books on raising sons and guiding them as they move their way toward becoming godly young men. I’ll mention them at the end of this post.) Robert Lewis of Men’s Fraternity wrote an outstanding book entitled, Raising A Modern-Day Knight. In that book he makes much of the idea of marking vital times in your sons’ lives with various kinds of ceremony. For the age of 13 he suggests taking your son out to dinner (spend some money on it… not fast food). The purpose of this meal is to mark in your son’s heart and mind the reality that he’s moving toward manhood and will be treated accordingly. This time together can be an opportunity to share stories of your own childhood and journey toward manhood. It can also include hopes and dreams and actual plans for how the two of you will spend the next five years together before he turns 18.
My goal is to spend one morning a week intentionally discipling my son, (away from our home), working through the Bible as well as other helpful books on the subject of godly manhood. It will be a time of checking in with him, praying with and for him, seeing how’s he’s doing, focusing on particular issues in his life, etc. But most of all it will be a time for continuing to build and maintain a close relationship with him. Following our time of focused discipling, we’ll go and grab a bite to eat together and just chat about whatever may come to mind.
Beyond this set-apart intentional time of discipleship, my wife and I want to emphasize to our son that he will have greater responsibility in his life, which we hope to follow through with and give him. Yet there will also be greater privileges as well, which we’re still working out. More to come on all of this later. I’m also checking into how he and I might spend more time together away from home… whether it’s traveling together, attending conferences, outdoor activities, or other types of adventures.
My point in sharing all of this is not to show you I’ve got it all figured out. I’m quite certain you’ve realized I don’t. As I said, all of this is in process and I’m sure there will be many failed efforts. My purpose is not to present to you a finished and polished product. Instead, I want to emphasize we must be intentional in pointing our sons to manhood. The world is only too happy to tell your son what it means to be a man. As many others have said well, it’s a dangerous time to be a boy. The culture is certainly not invested in helping your son move in a God-glorifying direction.
A former mentor of mine used to say often that “the world will define you by default; the Word will define you only by discipline.” The same is true with regards to your son becoming a godly man. It will not happen by accident or by wishful thinking. It will come only by grace, faith, prayer, and lots of intentionality (not to mention persevering through it all).
I’ll do my best to check in with you and share updates of how it’s going… what’s working and what’s not. I covet your prayers as I begin this journey with my son. I desire even more that you will pray for him so he will indeed become the godly young man God wants him to be.
Below are a few books I have found helpful… including some I am planning on reading through and discussing with my sons.
Grace and Truth,
There are many other good ones that I’ll include soon. Or, if you know some that have blessed you, please don't hesitate to send them my way. Thanks!